So it has been a horrible start to the day I have been up all night, I honestly think in the years people have spent fighting me and hurting me I have turned into a person who can fight and hurt back. I cant seem to find a way to handle negative anything anymore, I am a mother and I find myself so overcome with every emotion lately. Unable to control tears, anger, happiness. I feel alone like I have lost all of my friends, not that I had many to begin with I could list on one hand who is truly a friend.. that's sad to say. I feel alone in most things now.
I am unsure of where this day will end up, right now with me sitting here typing angrily onto the screen telling you bits and pieces of what has got me so worked up this morning, drinking a red bull as I may crash hard soon and Abel upstairs having his morning nap. Josh well gone. I find it very hard to speak to anybody I am fighting with as they just make me more and more angry and I just want to yell scream and throw things to make it stop!
I have learned that being a mother does make you stronger but sometimes you just need to crack, you will need to cry and sometimes you don't even know why, and when you do know why, that is the scariest thing in the world. I suffered from depression for a long time and thought that I had overcome it with this great guy coming into my life and having our wonderful little miracle, but sometimes that disease never leaves apparently, it just sits in the back of your mind making you feel like it can bring your whole world to a halt at any time. I wont say anything right now as I do not know where me and Abel will end up through everything that has happened in the last 24 hrs, I do know however we will figure it out, I trusted and maybe yet again have lost, I love with my whole heart but still he cant see through my anger right now to know that. I don't know how else to say I am sorry when those words don't seem fitting anytime since I have spent my whole teenage adult hood saying those words for them to mean nothing and for it to be said when I done nothing wrong, so when I do yes I find it hard to say. I can admit I am in the wrong in my emotions but I cant say its all my fault.
I am crying out for help some sanity, I need him to just stay but threats of leaving moving, they don't make it better they make me want to say FINE JUST GO!!!!!! IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT JUST GO!!! neither one of wants that, I know this, but two stubborn idiots and this is what you get a split of ways, this is what life is, the question is do we accept it and let everything we have worked hard to overcome to get here today just let it go? or do we make it work again and again and again fight after stupid fight, makeup and realize we have an amazing life? The pressures of growing up , becoming new parents, financial stress, houses, weddings, cars , trips life life life it is not easy and it is bound to bring you down somehow.
I definetley today do not know where our story will for later this evening when I write again, I want to say I hope it will end back up to where I delete this post in all of my anger and we live happily ever after..but this is life not a fairy tale not happily ever after 24/7 just life, ups downs and well sadness.
People take everything for granted, we don't understand how amazing and spectacular something is until it is gone, I LOVE him I do but if I cant make him happy and he feels the need to leave, I cant stop him, but I can secretly wish that he comes home to his family where he belongs.
p.s. I'll always love you , but I am a big idiotic mess with nowhere to go to figure it out except learn day by day. baggage it does suck.
----------------Sincerely Yours stubborn little princess
(new mama)
(a past that will destroy a future if we let it)
(your best friend for 12 years)
(a failure in life most days)
(a person who cant see any good in herself)...
Please forgive me one day, I don't know how else to apologize.
If you are a new parents and you are trying to make things work and you just don't know how, i believe that is ok sometimes, as you cant have perfect all the time, You will figure it out if you truly want to anger hurt crying screaming laughing so uncontrollably hard you cant stop and then tears run down your face that is life, all different ways of handling life's situations. Just let it out I am right now, and it seems to be helping. Not saying I am not scared to death right now because I am and you will feel that way but everything happens for a reason!.
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